MEN because you…

1 Wear side-buckle shoes

2 Use the word “chillax”, as in “chillax, babe”

3 Use the word “babe”

4 Have glow-in-the-dark stars above your bed

5 Have nothing but a broken sandwich toaster, a camp bed and a 60in plasma screen in your flat

6 Believe that certain things are self-cleaning

7 Wear short-sleeved shirts in the summer, but are not a postman

8 Wear a duffel coat in the winter, but are not Paddington Bear

9 Have “Thug Life” tattooed across the back of your neck

10 Have sold your forehead to an internet advertising agency

11 Affectionately address your friends as “stinker”

12 Prefer the “fist bump” when meeting strangers, and always insist they “lock it in”

13 Have knees that chafe

14 Regard the in-flight meal as the highlight of any flight, or holiday, for that matter

15 Own a pair of Crocs

16 Are only gay when you’re drunk

17 Stand for the national anthem

18 Refuse to remove your Bluetooth headset before making love

19 Throw baked beans at people who tease you

20 Shave your legs “for sporting purposes”

21 Have ever taken more than one mobile-phone photograph of your genitals

22 Have telephoned in a late-night radio dedication

23 Have a stuffed parrot on your shoulder

24 Believe all worthwhile women are under 25

25 Have a name for it

WOMEN because you…

1 Have a calendar stuck to your wall with pictures of babies in plant pots

2 Have a “lucky” thong

3 Have more than zero stuffed animals on your bed

4 Still use scrunchies

5 Are described by your friends as “mad!”

6 Are described by your friends as “Samantha”

7 Know all the words to Mariah Carey’s Hero

8 Have written poetry in Costa Coffee

9 Use the expression “defo”

10 Have an extremely long nail on one of your little fingers

11 Have ever got corn rows on holiday

12 Get visibly angry if people don’t get what you’re trying to mime in charades

13 Spell your name with a “y”, where there should really be an “i”, as in “Clayre”

14 Dot your “i”s with a circle

15 Posed with your cat for your Facebook profile photo

16 Have a five o’clock shadow

17 Have bought yourself a Ginsters All Day Breakfast Roll

18 Write in coloured ink and/or use smiley faces in handwritten letters

19 Think the energy crisis can be solved with crystals

20 Will not relinquish control

21 Spend all your time with your best friend and her husband

22 Own 27 volumes of Now That’s What I Call Music!

23 Have mistakenly given yourself “wedding hair”, thanks to overzealous use of curling tongs

24 Have said, “Oh my God, you’re a Gemini?”

25 Own a pair of leather trousers