Joke # 2

In a survey during the Clinton era, when teenagers were
asked where they can get free condoms, 40% said at a
free clinic, 16% said from a friend, and 44% said at
the White House gift shop.


Joke # 3

Lemon curd

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are lying in bed one night.

Sherlock runs off to the kitchen and comes back with a
jar of lemon curd.

Quickly he turns Dr Watson over onto his knees and starts
smearing it around his bum.

“Sherlock,what the hell are you doing?” Dr Watson gasps.

Sherlock smiles and replies.

“It’s a lemon entry my dear Watson”.


Joke # 4

Q: What do people buy coffee with?
A: Starbucks.


Joke # 5


Paddy, suffering from a severe toothache, finally got
up enough nerve to visit his dentist, but lost it again
when he was about to get into the chair. The dentist
told his assistant to give Paddy a shot of whiskey kept
on hand for just such circumstances as this.

“Ye got your courage back now?” the dentist asked.

“No!” replied Paddy.

So a second shot was brought, then a third.

“Now have ye got your courage?” asked the dentist.

“You’re damn right!” Paddy said, squaring his shoulders.
“I’d like to see the SOB who’d dare to touch me teeth


Joke # 6


Three men of the cloth, a Catholic, a Jew and an Episco-
palian were on an airplane trip together. They ran into
the worst turbulence in the history of aviation on the
whole flight.

When the plane finally landed, a reporter is there and
starts interviewing people. The first one is the Catholic
and when asked was he afraid, he answered, “I am Catholic
my son and yes, I was afraid but I prayed to my God and I
knew he would see me through it.”

The reporter said thank you and went up to the next man
of the cloth and asked was he afraid, he answered, “I am
Jewish my son and yes, I was afraid but I prayed to my
God and I knew he would see me through it.”

The reporter said thank you and went up to the third man
of the cloth whose clothes were all messed up, wet streaks
down his pants and chunks on his chest. He was asked the
same questions and replied, “I’m an Ecopalian”.

The reporter says, “Ecopalian, what is an Ecopalian?”

And the man of the cloth said, “That’s an Episcopalian
with the piss scared out of him!”


Joke # 7

Surrogate father

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided
to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the
day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his
wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man
should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to
make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come

‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s
good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come
in and have a seat’.

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And
sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really
spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out
for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every
time. But if we try several different positions and I
shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be
pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure
you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the
top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my word!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep to get a good look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three
hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness
approached I had to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually
chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-
up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’


‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon
on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Smith fainted!!!!!


Joke # 8

Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet?
A: You look a bit flushed!